i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
Yes but life is bad with poopy sheets
At what point should shame kick in? Realising I had a one night stand with a man engaged or realising I am that man's wedding photographer?
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
when a girl feels in her heart, the way she feels in her vagina, anything is possible.
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
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