What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
Ohh the wonderful, yet disgusting things she can do with her hair
counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
He's 5'2" and his dick 4'8"
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
okay i know we havent talked for like weeks but i just really wanted to tell you that i miss your dick. like alot.
whose this? and thank you
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
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