You can spell. I can kill people with no remorse. We all have our skills.
apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
Its that time of week again, Bad life decision wednesday
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
Randomize
