if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
What happened to fro yo and sex?
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
Randomize
