theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
we need a dd. For wednesday. At lunch. What are we doing with our lives?
succeeding
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
Just did it in a room with glowing stars to Peter Gabriel's down to earth on shrooms. This is like god
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
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