I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
I love having hate sex.
being alone eating nachos and drinking from a giant munchen beermug really isnt that sad
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
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