Shit chicky whatchu wearin rt now, ur skins?
Oh dear, kinda... in ur sweats!
U look good, r we getting naked in ur car?
Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
tonight lets celebrate not being married
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you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
while we were having sex she stopped and said, "god is always watching". Then she started again with no other words said. We were fucked up.
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
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To be honest i'm almost glad he got arrested. His girlfriend and i kept making out so i'm pretty sure the alternative was a threesome. Now we're just the trashy girls who visit him in jail.
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
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