Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize
