i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
told my boyfriend i was a virgin so he wouldnt feel bad since he is. now hes asking why his dick is so itchy. should i tell him why?
i don't see why you should, it's not like you told the other guys with the itchy dicks.
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
the girl I was having sex with just mumbled victory for msu during sex. i love basketball season
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
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