It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
considering how much of last night I don't remember and the amount of ones laying on my desk right now, it's safe to say I'm concerned
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
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He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
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You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
I want to create a human. Discussion later.
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
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