he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
I need a pic of your cock for our cock collage
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
Well at least ssomeone is or the state is tafing over ir in twligiob
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
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