I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
Going out so taking the 2nd 1/2 of beer w/ me ont'tube in a Pringles tube. I give money to people on the street that have more self respect.
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
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