i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
