I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
I wonder what gingers are like in bed...as awkward as their hair or just as unique as it...?
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
What are you doing and how can I add sex in there
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
I just had sex with the male version of myself. looks, mindset, even our boob to dick ratio was the same
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
Randomize
