The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
I remember seeing LSAT prep books and thinking "Whose room is this? I should be hooking up with them instead."
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
At least my fat-chick-ratio has not been that bad this semester ...
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
Randomize
