He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
then he tried to convert me to islam
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Randomize
