I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
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Thats stupid. Your future is a life of less pay for the same work. Free drinks is how capitalism reimburses women for its inequality. & youre not even taking it!
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
Hot freshmen.....hot freshmen chicks everywhere
You say this every welcome week, bro.
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My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
No instead we fucked in the elevator.. it was wrong on so many levels..
How tall was the building? Maybe it was only wrong on some of them
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