Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
Correct me if I'm wrong here... but did we serenade each others breasts to "winds of change" last night?
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
Is it love? I honestly haven't even thought about watching porn for over a week now, and haven't thought about fucking any strangers either. It's quite eerie.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
I forget how to act sober
Randomize
