Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
i seriously just saw a stripper from last weekend walk into the classroom next to me!!
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
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