I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
Randomize
