You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
Umm. Any where really. Alcohol and boobs. Those are the requirements.
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
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I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
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Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
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