Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
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