he has been on a 2 week bender, has been homeless for a week and a half, and leaves for madagascar in 2 days. Do we worry or is that normal?
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
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You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
So if her brother fucks my brother, can I just tell her that anal sex is in her genes?
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
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Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
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