I'm lost and stupid without you.
ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Randomize
