i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
for real. he might as well bring dogs if they're lower than a 7.
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
Randomize
