you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
This is your post bachelor party survival text. This a free and complementary service to make sure you are still alive. For alive, say yes. For hurting, say ugh. If lost, say help. If dead, please feel free to not respond. Thank you and we hope you enjoyed the party.
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