I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
I can mark tailgating, going to the game and getting road head off my to do list today
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
Exactly. So you're exempt under the "I can't just fuck her to make it go away" clause of 2010.
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
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