i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
Does my surprise involve the use of a safe word?
Probably.
I'm in.
Bisexual people are plain selfish.
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
Randomize
