Dude I just peed on my pants. not in them though. and yes there is a difference
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
last final went out with a bang.. 20 min late bra-less, cum in my hair and i still cant find my shoes.
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