don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
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for me the strap perfect is like a chastity belt
woke up with the dennys waiters MYSPACE link on the back of my receipt...yep one of those nights
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
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people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
I feel like everyone in class can tell we had a threesome last weekend.
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
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