Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
And it's settled. 10 months is the appropriate amount of time before having the dick pic discussion.
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
