I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
I gave up great shower sex to be here so don't say I never did anything for our friendship.
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
Randomize
