My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
Randomize
