I can't breathe out the right side of my face
So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
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