I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
so i was just informed that i sang that song "pop that pussy ayyy pop that pussy" at the halloween party saturday. iembarrassing.
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
Gay?
German.
Pity.
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
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