Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
Text me some of your sweat
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
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