I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
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