I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
last night you decided it was time to "get organized" and "straighten out your life." You pulled out a bag of troll dolls, sorted through them and got nostalgic. You demanded both andy and i take one and keep it forever.
my nick name has gotton too long over the years..C.T.P.S.G.F.P.G.......cock tease private school groupie frat party groupie.
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
Randomize
