I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
our friendships a beautiful delicate flower...that has been crushed by peni
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
Randomize
