forecast for tonight- shitshow with a chance of tbell
my version of bright and sunny.
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
just mapquested my walk of shame from saturday..bye bye freshman 15
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
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