she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
i should not be allowed to orgasm that much in one day.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
woke up and somehow me leather belt got torn in half. either we partied with the hulk or some chick just could not wait to see my dick. probably the former tho
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
Randomize
