Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
Decided to go explore a half built apartment complex at 4 a.m and leave a 3 block obstacle course in the alley ways on the way home.
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
I burned my tit while he banged me and it was still the best kitchen sex EVER!!!
Randomize
