how do I tell the students with a crush on me, that yes, I am open to receiving blowjobs in exchange for grades?
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
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