i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
there is no way i'm buying plan b and condoms at the same time
no do it! it shows that you acknowledge your mistakes and you are proactively working towards a solution.
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
Just got physical proof that at 6 am i was running around with raw potatoes threatening to mash them on his floor. Hello, Mobile uploads
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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