Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
i just wanna know who wrote "dibbz" on my ass?
Randomize
