It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
Say something about gay babies.
HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
Is it just me, or does Colt McCoy look like Herbie the Dentist from "Rudolph the Red-nosed Reindeer"?
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
