I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
Randomize
