my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
What is this nonsense on the table
Your idea.
I mean the hole taco that was chewed up and spit out
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
Randomize