do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
He woke up from being passed out on the couch mumbled something that sounded like "Taco" then proceeded to the bathroom only to pass out again, I think we need to learn how to party like him!
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
Randomize
