The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
its was like we drinking an entire bottle of mystery
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
But for real, I had the best sex of my life on that bunk bed
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
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