I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
I just want to be naked all the time but not in a sexual, come-hither and look at my ass sort of way. In a slightly chubby yet not ashamed way as I eat Taco Bell and lay on soft fuzzy blankets.
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Randomize
