my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
this islike a room full of reasons why i should be in prison
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
yeah dropping that class because i really don't want to be known as the girl who fell asleep in class and threw up as she walked out for an entire semester
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
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