i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
She said as long as i don't wake her up she doesn't care what hole i use.
Got yourself a keeper right there.
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
You brought out the iron board layed it on the ground in the middle of everyone and passed out for the night
i was laying in her brothers bed, in his old room. and i kept getting the chills. i didn't know if it was a draft or the ghosts of BJ's past.
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
I don't know but someone, somewhere gave someone a hand job and someone else was pissed about it...
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
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