well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
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