Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
Sitting at a red light. Windows are down. I'm blasting Gaga's "Disco Stick" and doing an interpretive dance to it because I think I'm hilarious. Look to the left and see two Phi Delts that I know with their windows down. They are horrified. I am probably going to lose their Facebook friendships.
i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
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