so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
Mom said it is up to us to plan Thanksgiving. Hooters or Scores?
Or???
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
Randomize
