It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
no seriously. she's even got the premier of the real L word on her calendar at work. that lesbian.
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
Brb crying the tears of my youth
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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