break up sex still means we will always be broken up.
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
A BJ like that needs to be recommended.
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
