new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
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